That's What She Said: A Fun Office Party – and other Christmas Miracles!
- Dawn Dumont | December 23, 2014
Tis the season to avoid making an ass of yourself at the office Christmas party!
You can call any office party a success if you enjoy the company of your favourite coworkers, veil your venomous contempt for the “other” ones, suck up to your super-amazing boss (but like not in an obvious way), and generally get through the night without being hit with a lawsuit afterwards. I know we all wish that office parties could descend into some kind of Sodom and Gomorrah debauchery where the night ended with us beating up angels and afterwards everyone collectively agreed to forget what happened and just move on. But alas, not everyone is on the same page when it comes to workplace fun and so we must proceed as if every second person is Church lady and conduct ourselves appropriately under her watchful eyes.
When it comes to work parties, your first instinct may be to arrive late. This is a huge mistake. First of all, do not associate yourself with being late at work – once people attach that label to you, then they’ll notice how often you actually are late. Second, being first is the best because then if there is something yummy on the refreshment table you get first dibs. Once I ate all the guacamole at a party. Not a little bit or half, but ALL OF IT. I did it for the sake of my coworkers - it was better that my coworkers had no idea that guacamole had ever existed rather than that only a small portion was left. You’re welcome. (Also I had no choice because guacamole controls me in the same way that oil companies control Stephen Harper.)
In addition, if you are first to the festivities, you can establish a little mean-girls/guys clique and y’all can give people nicknames as they walk in like, “here’s little Miss doesn’t know what to do with her arms” or “Mr. So Cool, he showed up half an hour late.” Then laugh in a bitchy way.
Speaking to people is always a chore but you can make it more entertaining if you keep in mind the following techniques. Whenever conversing with someone, always keep your eyes over their shoulder as if scanning for someone more important and smiling and waving at them when you do. It’s unnerving and demoralizing – I should know, I’ve had enough people do it to me. However if you attempt this baller move, make sure that there are people behind your co-worker and not just a poster promoting drug-free living.
When it comes to conversation topics, experts recommend that you do not get personal. If you must speak about your personal life, choose someone else’s personal life. Like your pill of a friend who spends her weekends decorating her Christmas tree with popcorn strands and dressing her dog as an elf. Try not to get stuck listening to a co-worker drone on about their personal life. You do not want to know how sad they truly are. You don’t want to know that their cat choked to death on their house-key and now they have to go dig up said housecat because they lost their spare. Cuz I don’t know about you but I’ll feel obligated to offer my grave-digging services. If someone tries to steer the conversation towards their personal life, change the subject to something safer like politics, religion or Jian Ghomeshi. If you need to get out of a conversation quickly, tell the person that you’ve recently started a home business selling macaroni jewelry and would they like to attend a super fun-party to see your wares? No obligation! Nothing scares people away people faster than a direct marketing scheme. Well, maybe sharting but that’s an advanced move.
Most office parties are booze-free because HR…sigh…does not want to deal with your dumb asses in the new year, okay? However, if you are lucky enough to work in a place that still serves the smiley-stuff, there are ways that you can get drunk but not appear to be drunk. Dress dowdy. Because a sexy outfit mixed with alcohol quickly devolves into “hot mess.” I’m personally a huge fan of hot mess but other people may Judge Judy the crap out of you. Also, if you’re going to get tipsy, wear an ostentatious broach that draws the eye. Then keep dropping it on the floor, people will think you’re just clumsy and that your red face is from bending over rather than pounding back drinks.
Remember that work and fun do not have to be divorced from one another – but they do need to be amicably separated and most definitely, sleeping in different beds.
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