That's What She Said: Auntie-Mommy
- Dawn Dumont | July 02, 2014
I watched my 9-year-old niece for 12 days while her mom was out of town. Here's a day by day breakdown of how it went down. Spoiler alert: the kid is fine.
Day 1
My sister leaves at 5 a.m. leaving behind one scared, little person and my niece.
My niece, let's call her Thor (we agreed on this pseudonym it works cuz she's a super-kid and dangerous with a hammer)wakes up at 10 a.m. and immediately turns on her computer. I hover in the kitchen and glance at her every few minutes, like Dian Fossey observing the wild gorillas. Wait didn't Fossey die in that movie?
I get a text from a friend inviting us to a last minute birthday party at the Fun Factory. Two minutes in the place and I declare it to be an unfriendly shithole because they make me buy socks for both my niece and myself. Later after two hours of crawling through the plastic mazes, I upgrade it to: a "Fun-Place to Scrape Off Your Knee Cartilage."
Day 2
Thor and I go swimming at the Shaw Centre. I'm feeling fat and as if to drive that point home, the pool is stocked with couples with matching flat bellies and a sneering air of "carbohydrates are for the weak." So what, I sneer back, at least it's easier for me to float.
My niece and I head over to the high diving board. Thor dares me to jump off and I sashay to the end of it, explaining that the trick is to not look down. Once at the end however, I realize there is another trick not being a chicken-shit. A line up of children behind me mocks my cowardice. But I do not succumb to pier pressure, I inch backwards on the board like I'm rewinding my courage in slow motion.
Thor points out that moonwalking off the diving board was the most dangerous thing that I could have done. I agree but explain that fear is not rational and that we should go home because I really need a drink.
Days 3-5
We go wall climbing at Rucker's. Thor motors up the walls efficiently she's been climbing since she was five. A woman with a little boy who can barely climb to his feet without falling down, says, "Wow, she's really good." I tell her, "Yeah, and it's her first time, too. (A huge part of being a parent is psyching out other parents.)
Thor convinces me to give it a try. I make it to the top but I'm too afraid to let go. So I try to climb back down. Eventually my shaking arms give out and I scream even as the harness carries me safely to the ground. "That was the diving board all over again." Thor shakes her head ruefully.
Days 6-7
It's the weekend and normally, I'm out doing something fun and unhealthy.But I cannot leave the house because I have no childcare. My sister left a list of baby sitters but I picture myself stumbling in at 1 a.m. smelling of wine and Axe-body-spray. When you're in that state, the last thing you want to see are the judgmental eyes of a teenager taking a scalpel to your soul.
Day 8
All day long I am tired. Thor appears to never need sleep. Every night, we play bedtime chicken where we see who can stay up the longest. She always wins. While watching awful Nickelodeon sitcoms, I discover a way to nap with my eyes open by turning off my brain. (Patent pending.)
Our diets have gone slightly awry: this morning even the dog was eating potato chips.
Day 9
I want coffee but I need Thor to get up before I can drive to get it and Starbucks doesn't deliver! (I've addressed this with them many times, to no avail.) I've never felt so trapped in my life.
As soon as she wakes up, I ask her sweetly: "Can you come with me to get coffee?" She says, "Sure."
I practically dance into Starbucks. "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST." The parents understand.
Day 10
Thor's hair is thick and curly. I mist the hair with a detangling spray and then I pick at the knots. I untangle one and then find another. Her hair has an unlimited supply of snarls, like racists at a Conservative convention. When I finally give up, the top layer of her hair is combed but the underside is an apocalypse of curls and frizz. Thor is fine with this. And so am I - from ages 6 to 26, I rocked a very similar 'do.
Day 12
It's our last day together and we make the most of it: we go to a movie, head to a BBQ, hold hands a lot and make fun of other people. It's a truly wonderful day.
In summary, after 12 days together: there were zero tantrums, zero sick days, and zero emergencies. There were also zero vegetables, zero homework completed and zero floor-washings. I'm calling it a win.