That's What She Said: How to Nail that Job Interview
- Dawn Dumont | August 05, 2014
Congratulations to all the graduates out there. Whether you're graduating from high school, university, or sex addiction rehab - it's important to acknowledge your hard work and perseverance. But the thing about life is, once you leap over one hurdle, there's always another one, then another one, like a never ending Olympics without the medals, fame or cereal sponsorships.
Enjoy your graduation day, but remember tomorrow you're just another unemployed person with a crap-load of debt. I learned this early on. The day after I graduated from law school, I was sitting on my parent's couch. Well, not sitting so much as melding into the cushions with a reserve-sized bag of chips perched on my chest to minimize distance from bag to mouth. I had no immediate plans for my future other than wresting control of the TV from my dad and maybe eating another bag of chips (but something fancy, like hot barbecue). Then, in walked the Chief of my reserve (and also my aunt). She looked me up and down with an expression of disgust so it was kind of redundant when she said, "Shouldn't you have a job?"
When my parents were young, getting a job was as easy as showing up at a place of business with pants, hands and a face. Maybe not even all of those things if they were in a busy period. But things have changed and now you have to nail the interview as well.
A job interview is a lot like a first date and not just because you're lying your ass off. It's important that you are clean, neat and moderately sober. No matter how shitty life has been to you up to this point, you gotta put all that aside and stride forward with the optimistic bearing of a Kennedy.
Preparation for a job interview is essential like find out where the company is located and what they do. Also, take the time to review your social media presence. I recommend removing all those YouTube videos of you getting your dog drunk. Then head over to Facebook and get rid of everything that identifies you as a human being with interests, desires and flaws. Your online profile should be as bland as a white guy in khakis. Employers assiduously research job applicants on the Internet (when they're not watching cat videos) and they may form a negative opinion of you based on pictures of you dancing in a cage (unless you are applying for a cage-dancing job then the more, the better.)
There are people in this world with cheerful demeanors and basic manners, but the rest of us have to fake it. One technique to fake a good personality is called "mirroring." Basically you just do whatever your interviewer does like a subtle game of Simon Says. If they sit forward, you sit forward. If they lean back, you lean back. If they walk to their car, you walk to their car. Eventually you'll creep them out to the point where they will hire you in hopes of not pissing you off.
Job interview questions have hidden minefields. One of the most dangerous questions is "what is your greatest weakness?" This is a trick. Obviously, don't tell the truth. No one needs to know that you have the attention span of a dumb toddler or the typing skills of Shridhar Chillal (current Guinness world record holder of longest fingernails). And don't go the kiss-ass route and say something like, "I work too hard" or "I'm a perfectionist." You will sound slimier than a boxing promoter. Better to identify a trait that doesn't have anything to do with work at all like, "My greatest weakness is trains." (Full disclosure: my weaknesses are puppies, chubby babies and Metis guys holding chubby babies and puppies.)
During the interview, you may be asked about your technical skills. Don't freak out if you have none just repeat the name of the thing and add something vague and oddly sexual like "I've played around with it." If someone asks, "what kind of experience do you have with Dreamweaver?" Then you answer, "Dreamweaver - yes, great program, I've taken it for a ride around the block." If you do it right, the interviewer will feel uncomfortable and will drop the subject.
It's a really good sign if the interviewer asks you, "How soon can you start?" Here's where I suggest replying, "I already have." That's a baller move and suggests that you are ultra-confident, like Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Who would not want to work with the Rock? We all want to smell what he's been cooking.
Basically if you don't walk out of that job interview feeling like a total and complete fraud, then you have failed, my friend, and are totally undeserving of potato chips.