That's What She Said: Money Sense (Cents?)
- Dawn Dumont | May 19, 2015
Once on a trip to the local band store, I had a whole seventy-five cents burning a hole in my pocket. This was enough money to buy a bag of chips or a chocolate bar, but not both. And I don’t know about you but that is an impossible decision for a chubby six year old. Thus, I was seated outside in the gravel trying to make up my mind. In the meantime, I invented a game where I buried my coins, looked away for a few seconds and then unburied them. Each time, there was a thrill in uncovering my three shiny quarters. Until, I buried them too far and lost them to the gravel gods. This was my first lesson in money management – don’t play with your money, unless you’re a pirate.
This month’s column is about money and youth - but not in a lurid way. What I mean is that if you are young, you still have time to learn how to manage your money wisely and then enjoy it in your twilight years. (If you’re old, it’s already too late – so just keep playing the lottery, cheating at cards and cashing your cheques at Payday Loans, Mom.) When you’re young it feels like the money train will never end but it’s important to have a cushion to fall on if things take a sudden turn for the worse. Like if your roommate moves out because your chinchilla bit him or if your chinchilla has an unplanned pregnancy or if your chinchilla requires sex-change surgery because he feels like he’s been living a lie.
Here’s my first tip – never tell anyone how much money you make. Or how much money you have in the bank or even how many gold teeth you have. Even if you think it’ll be safe to whisper your net worth after midnight during a thunderstorm – it isn’t. No matter how quietly you proclaim your income, when you wake up, there’ll be a relative standing on your doorstep with an “aw-shucks” story, ready to parlay your sympathy into a long term, no-chance-of-ever-getting-it-back loan.
Until your saving goals are met, say no to unnecessary purchases. And as to determining what is an unnecessary purchase – just ask yourself – could I find some way to steal this?
Another tip: teach yourself how to invest your money. This is called making your money work for you or “big pimpin’.” To become a good investor, study the markets and don’t jump in unless you feel comfortable with the level of risk. However, sometimes you have to go with your gut. Like normally I would say, “no bingo-related loans.” But what if Mom is on a hot streak? Well, then maybe you have to go with it. Be clear with her though – you expect a 15% return and she must pay up immediately if she wins. (That’s the hard part of investing – learning how to shake down your mom.)
Don’t put all your money in one place, especially if that place is your mouth. Somehow I got to the age of 25 before I learned you weren’t supposed to put money in your mouth. It had always been a holding area for coins until a friend pointed out that on any given day at least 10 people touched a single loonie before it found its way into my mouth and at least one of those people was a habitual ball-scratcher. “It’s a wonder you don’t have ten different kinds of cholera,” she added. Ironically, I have always been suspiciously healthy.
I know you young people must think I’m some sort of old fuddy-duddy taking all the fun out of getting to throw money around for the first time. I know what it feels like to be young and free – my first month on my own, I only ate grapes. This was an act of rebellion against my mom who used to always say, “grapes are too expensive, just dip your raisins in water.” So when I had control over the grocery budget – I bought as many grapes as I wanted. So what if my power got cut off? I proudly ate my grapes in the dark.
It’s important to remember that money is what people pay you in exchange for your time. And you don’t get an unlimited supply of that. It’s like that movie “In Time” (great movie except that it starred Justin Timberlake) where people get paid in time credits. Once your time credits run out, you die and then Justin Timberlake holds you in his spindly arms and makes squawking noises in an attempt to cry. It’s pretty unpleasant and to avoid that – respect your dollar bills, y’all.
Read more of Dawn's columns here.