That's What She Said: Stages of the Facebook Break up
- Dawn Dumont | April 13, 2015
While I don’t revel other people’s drama, if you insist on playing it out in a public place like Facebook or the junk food aisle at Walmart, I will reluctantly enjoy it.
I’ve observed many breakups over Facebook and I’ve noted that while each break up is its own special snowflake, they generally go through the same stages.
The first stage is the pre-break up or complaint stage. One of the partners will post an “innocent” question on Facebook such as, “Do you think it’s okay for your partner to go out every weekend but then they get pissed when you do it?” Friends will give the question the same attention that we should be giving cold fusion. People who don’t like your partner will be harsh and post stuff like, “What did that idiot do this time?” People who like you – like “like you-like you” will post something like, “You deserve better cuz you are amazing.” And then they’ll click through your pictures and leave dozens of flattering comments. People who don’t give a crap about either of you will watch from afar and wait for the mayhem to get worse. Because it always does.
Experienced Facebookers will now click to your partner’s page to pick up the other thread of the argument. A similar question will be posted on that page like, “Do you think it’s cool when your partner posts stupid things about you on Facebook like an asshole?” It’s a rhetorical question, of course, but people will still jump into the debate.
After the public consultation, the next stage is the breakup which is usually reflected in incorrectly philosophical posts like, “All’s good that ends well,” or, “What doesn’t break us makes us younger,” etc. The post is designed to engage the reader’s interest but is also broad enough that you don’t know the poster’s feelings on the subject; so that even though you suspect they are laying face-down on their bed ugly-crying into a dirty pillow – you can’t actually be sure. This post is followed by the anticlimactic change in status from “In a relationship,” to “Single.”
Next the person enters one of my favourite stages, the “Working on Myself Stage.” This involves taking up positive activities and dropping all those bad habits that your partner wanted you to work on in the first place. Party animals quit drinking; homebodies start going out and everyone hits the gym. Facebook status updates will now look like this:
“The gym is my new home!”
“Just ran the furthest I’ve ever run!”
“Why doesn’t everyone hit the weights every night?!”
(Probably, because we’re too busy hanging with our partners.)
These status updates are profuse with enthusiasm and exclamation points. They are accompanied with selfies taken at the gym. These updates prove to their old partner that they got it going on or that they will have it going on in a few weeks at least (or months depending on far you let yourself go). They also advertise their newfound fitness to new suitors which is why this stage is also known as the “Trolling Stage.”
After the fitness boost runs out, then the ex-lover starts to feel the bite of loneliness. As someone who has spent a great deal of time alone, I take particular interest in this stage. It’s pathetic to see how relationship-people fall apart after spending two weeks alone when I’ve lived through winters of loneliness that were Game of Thrones long. Wimps.
This brings me to the fourth stage: posting motivational quotes. Some people post biblical quotes, usually from the Book of Job like, “For God said, let there be pain and suffering, and to break up the monotony, agony.”
If it’s a woman, she may post pictures with Native women clad in buckskin dresses standing under waterfalls with captions like, “Love yourself first; let the sacred water wash over you with love.” Or something else just as vomit-inducing.
My least favourite is when people post their own poetry – it’s unnecessarily cruel – why should everyone else suffer just because you are? Keep your odes to yourself.
These motivational posts will continue for a long time and some of you might lose your patience and hit the “Hide all posts from this dork” button. But if you’re patient, you’ll get to see the fifth stage – the “Dating Stage.”
This stage happens in coquettish bursts. You’ll see jokes being posted, some great selfies, and self-deprecating stories: “rollerblading with my dog, he’s clearly better than me!” After a few weeks of this forced gaiety, you’ll begin to miss your depressing Facebook friend. And then finally it happens – the selfie featuring the new partner. If the person turns out to be a dud, this picture will disappear so fast that you’ll think you dreamed it. But if they are a keeper, then within a few days the status will be changed to “In a relationship” and there it will stay – until next time at least.
Laugh out loud again with more columns from Dawn Dumont in our Humour section.