The 2014 Annual Christmas Wish List for Guys
- Winston McLean | December 24, 2014
There is a secret competition amongst the huge members of Dirk Nation: which of our women will get it right when Santa delivers? Whether we deserve it or not, a great gift is a testament to our testicular ballsiness.
So here we are once again, thoughtful, wonderful, and groin-tingling gift ideas that will inspire your man so he can say to his crew, “See, she gets me, you sorry ass mother-punters.”
10. Jesus Giddyup from Little Pine wants a Shark Laser Pointer. We first heard of them in Austin Powers. Then they re-appeared in the Lego Movie. They are real, and we want one.
9. The Bard of Beardy’s is looking for a Lock N’ Load Gun Alarm Clock. Instead of hitting the Snooze button, grab your toy lazer gun, hit the target and BAMM!, 9 more minutes of blissful sleep.
8. Wheels McGuinty of Nekaneet is hoping for a Refrigerated Reclining Arm Chair. For staying hydrated during playoff season. Sadly, the damn thing hasn’t been invented yet.
7. In the meantime, Wheels is looking for a Bow-Flex Extreme Home Gym. Gotta keep that premium Indian diabetic-looking figure somewhat slim for you somehow, baby. His words.
6. The Métis Master of North Saskatoon has his eye on a Max Speed Speedometer Car Watch. Instead of your typical clock face with a long and short hand, this bad-boy shows everything like the dashboard of a Ferrari. Awesome.
5. This gift idea removed because this is a family paper. Was awesome though.
4. From The Real Deal in Sintaluta: A PS4 or Xbox 360 with Legacy Arcade Games. What we’re looking for are all the games we enjoyed in the 80’s like Asteroids, Pacman, Galaga, and Joust.
3. Fill-Er-Up of Melfort found an R2D2 Wireless Keyboard. Not only does it project a working infrared keyboard on any surface, every time you type it emits beeps and bloops which, once translated, are filthy Irish jokes.
2. Cletus from Regina wants you, in a sexy Miss Claus outfit. If that’s not your thing they have a sexy elf costume too, so everyone wins.
1. Name-Withheld is dreaming of you, in a one-piece R2D2 Bathing Suit, with a KFC Family Feast bucket suggestively laid out in front of you on the floor, a magnum of Baby Duck chilling in an ice-filled No Name Neapolitan ice cream bucket with Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” playing in the background. Romantic, am I right?
As for stocking stuffers, there are plenty of gift ideas. Borat’s Mankini is still on the market. Bacon Scented Soap. And who doesn’t want a 500 ounce bottle of Hi-Karate cologne.
Of course some women get it bafflingly wrong, and our simple hopes are dashed against the rocks of Steven Harpyish sensibility. Last year The Bird Man from Mistawasis missed out on his Reversible Rainbow Big Boy Full-Body Thermal Underwear with the Extra Wide Trap-Door Flap, and had to settle for a gift pack of cheap stink-good from London Drugs.
So, if you get it wrong, you might expect to see this for you under the tree...
A Wine Rack Flask Bra. The dual front pocketry system deflates as your favourite refreshment is consumed. Yes. It comes with a straw. And yes, we like our wine full bodied and chilled.
A Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork. Comes in red, and...red.
A Donut-Flavoured Lip Gloss or Squirrel Feet Earrings.
A Radio-Controlled Tarantula. When my little girl was 5 “Cranky” was her favourite toy for weeks. Creeped the hell out of my ex-wife. Sadly, Cranky vanished. His demise is a mystery to this day.
Clocky. Imagine an alarm clock on wheels. When it goes off in the morning it springs to life leaping off the nightstand and randomly runs around the room until you catch it.
Meat Socks. Of course they are made with genuine sock-like material to prevent fall-down, but these nasty goods are coloured to resemble cuts of meat.
Either a Monty Python or Shakespearean Insult Coffee Mug. And yes, you must drink from it when the mother-in-law visits.
A Pi Cake Mold. Yes, the ancient Egyptian mathematical symbol for 3.14 now comes in a cake mold. Get it? A Pi cake?
On a completely different subject, I have a special gift for my little princess. She’s 7 now, and she’s into Star Wars despite her best efforts. She’s getting her very own Darth Maul Edition Lightsaber Night Light.
I know, right? Her dad is awesome. I make sure to tell her of that every day. Her groans of embarrassment are all the confirmation I need to know just how truly awesome I am.
Dirk says, To all in Dirk Nation...Merry Christmas. Just love each other.
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