The Dashing Chronicles: The Creative Process of Eagle Feather’s Most Dangerous Columnist
- Winston McLean | April 22, 2015
John L: It is with high-esteemed humbleness and great rumbling of eye lids that I give you yet another chronicle from the Dashing Chronicles. Ladies and gentlemen, grow a pair and slap them together for Eagle Feather News most dangerous columnist, Dirk “The Nads” Dashing.
Dirk: Thank you John, it is always a pleasure to manifest myself in these lofty pages of your newspaper.
John L: I really have to stop reading the introductions you give me. I always feel a little dirty afterwards.
Dirk: Introductions? What introductions? Whatever do you mean, John. But next time, please use the James Earl Jones voice I pictured you using when you read what I give you. My readers need the full effect.
John L: Yeah, sure. At any rate, as you know this edition of Eagle Feather News features stories on arts and culture. In my travels I have had many readers ask, where do you, Mr. Dashing, find your inspiration as a writer?
Dirk: A wonderful question. One that has many answers, and so much truth, that they are varied and many in number, that they light like the winds over Venus, and Pluto’s banana whipped fires…
John L: I’m going to stop you right there, Dirk. Your last column on “What Women Want” started off that way and it went nowhere all the way through. If there is an answer, let’s have it.
Dirk: Alright. To illustrate my creative process, I must paint you a picture, and you must bear with me for it is a ritual as mysterious as it is monthly.
John L: Already, I am afraid I asked.
Dirk: Imagine if you will, you are on a boat, riding a majestic white stallion, floating in all three directions, both at the same time. Like a matchmaker with sturdy red pillows, you are transported to a vast and unending pancake…you know the kind, with chocolate sprinkles and candles…
John L: …Yes, I am sorry I asked…
Dirk: …and a vision comes upon you, like the carpeting of a discount lawyer’s office. It is at once grand, and tasty, like so many ketchup bottles lining the moonlit sky. The eyes water, elbows get itchy, and my pen shakes because it senses the mood.
John L: …and?
Dirk:
John L: Dirk? You there?
Dirk: Yes?
John L: Well, what happens next?
Dirk: What happens next, what? What do you talking about?
John L: The eyes water, elbows get itchy, and your pen shakes because it senses the mood. Finish the process. What happens next?
Dirk: Sorry, John. I must have drifted off in my mind tub with Halle Berry and my copy of Steven Hawkings’ A Brief History of Time. That happens a lot you know.
John L: Um. Are you going to finish telling us about your creative process?
Dirk: What? I can’t share with you my minds’ fantasticular wheelings and dealings. It’s far too dangerous. That kind of knowledge might lead to boobs getting scuffed, or eclipses over Cupar. I won’t do it, John.
John L: Dirk, we are not asking you to reveal all your secrets. Just a broad description for aspiring writers who want to do what you do.
Dirk: John, even I don’t do what it is that I do. It would be like opening Pandora’s zipper, like unleashing Rosie O’Donnell or Stephen Harper upon each other to make the next generation of robot-turnip hybrid. I won’t do it, I can’t do it, and I won’t do it.
John L: There you have it, Eagle Feather readers. Our best columnist,…in the discount category.
Dirk: Oooooo, nice one John!
Dirk says, As I lay there on the floor, my body covered in whipped cream and chocolate syrup I heard those inevitable words…”Clean up on aisle 3.”
Have more laughs on Dirk and our other funny columnists here.