The Dashing Chronicles: What women want
- Winston McLean | February 25, 2015
John L.: According to notes provided to me by Dr. Dirk “Feel Good” Dashing…I swear to god, that’s what it says here…according to Doc Dashing, Valentine’s Day was created in the mid-16th century to honour the memory of St. Valentine who predicted the rise of greeting card companies in the 19th century. Dirk, are you sure you got your facts right on this?
Dirk: And yes, it is good to be back, John. Thanks for noticing I was not available for the January edition of Eagle Feather News. And yes, I was busy slaying dragons, liberating lost dwarfish kingdoms, and getting busy with elfish princesses, thanks for asking.
John L.: …um, ok. No one really noticed you were, um, missing. But now you mention it, Hey! So glad you’re back! We missed you buddy. Now getting back to my question, I don’t know where you did your research on Valentine’s Day…
Dirk: I don’t know if you know this, John, but research can be used to prove almost anything that is remotely true. Myself, I prefer the sage wisdom of strangers I meet at Cher and Taylor Swift concerts for my take on reality, history, and quantum physics. And thanks to my investigations I now know exactly what women want.
John L.: That’s incredible. I am sufficiently intrigued, and a little confused, so lay it on me. What the fork do women want?
Dirk: John, ever since the dawn of iPhone, man has looked to the stars, peering into the brilliant points of light for answers, for guidance, anything that will help him better manage and satisfy the mystery of women. And did Brad Pitt, Sean Connery and Bender from that show Futurama have the answers?
John L.: I don’t know, Dirk. Lay the truth on us. We only have so much space for your column…
Dirk: It’s called drama, John. I’m building suspense to underscore… highlight if you will… the scale and significance of a truth that will lay waste to the myths, misunderstandings and general groinal crampiness that has placed mankind in a gooey, caramel-like darkness of, um, not-knowingness.
John L.: Ok. It’s big, this answer of yours. It’ll change the world. What is it?
Dirk: That’s right, John. Change. It’s on its way. Our world, even other dimensions, will never be the same. So vast is the hugeness of the answer that all textbooks, all religions and television programming will have to be rewritten. Nothing will remain of our previous understanding of things.
John L.: Got it. Everything will change. What do you got?
Dirk: John, did you know that the word “television” is actually a combination of Greek and Latin? Tele means “see” in Greek, while the root word for vision in Latin is “see”. So when we talk about watching a television what we’re really saying is we’re watching a see-see. True story.
John L.: Not that interesting or relevant, Dirk. You claim to have the answer for what women want. What is it?
Dirk: I need to be clear, John. What I am about to unleash is not for the faint of heart, and some men could suffer a complete menatal…menatal?...complete mental breakdown. Scientists call this a state of being where all things mental can, you know, break, and in a downward fashion.
John L.: Alright. Menatal, I mean mental breakdowns are possibile. What is this truth you have uncovered?
Dirk: John, it’s not that I “uncovered” the truth as much as I endured it, much like the mighty Hercules who had like seven herculean tasks before he was, like, done stuff. Numerous were the challenges. And they were seven. Not four, not five, and not six challenges, unless one proceeded to a seventh challenge…
John L.: In fact they were Twelve Labours of Hercules. We need the answer, Dirk.
Dirk: …If I had proceeded to an eighth challenge, then I would have gone too far. Unless, of course, I had stopped at seven, where seven challenges would have been the ideal. Not more. Not Less. Seven being the magic number.
John L.: You really got nothing do you Dirk?
Dirk: Um, I forgot what I was talking about awhile back.
John L.: Well thanks for wasting our time, Dirk. That’s all the time and space we have for you this month. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. Next month Mr. Answer Guy will be here to answer your questions.
Dirk: Wait! I remember now…
Dirk says, If it weren't for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with strangers.
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