That’s What She Said: Post-apocalyptic plans
- Dawn Dumont | December 05, 2018
There were some super scary stories released in the past while about how we have reached the point of no return when it comes to climate change. Even though the expression on my face ranges from “dead-inside” to “surly”, I am actually a positive thinker and I do believe that the planet will be okay. I’m confident that some super smart kid will save us from ourselves, maybe the spawn of Elon Musk and Rihanna.
But if the super kid takes her time and civilization crumbles, I think we should all be working on our post-apocalypse plans. Now you may be asking when is the right time to give society the old heave-ho: there are a few signs to look for. If one of Donald Trump’s kids is elected to the White House – get moving. It’s only a matter of weeks before the rich are hunting down the poor for sport and Ivana Trump is using our skins for her shoe line. I think if our Prime Minister starts to go bald suddenly, we should be afraid. I use his thick locks as a gauge for the safety of our times.
Location is obviously a paramount consideration. You want a place that is safe and comfy. I’m heading to the mountains myself. My reasoning is mostly influenced by the movie Red Dawn (the original, not the remake which I’ve never seen. Watching teen movies as an adult makes me feel like a creeper) in which a bunch of teenagers, led by Patrick Swayze, took on the Russians who for some bizarre reason launched their attack in a small redneck town. But those teenagers holed up in a cabin and had horses and held off the Russians - so if its good enough for a bunch of teens, it’s good enough for me.
Which brings me to my next point, in my post-apocalypse world, horses will make a big comeback. Because they are hardy, don’t require any fuel and their by-product can be used as fertilizer. Plus their noses are velvety soft. Other animals that will be required are: sheep whose wool will be used to make cardigans and soft leggings; a cow for producing lattes and lobster.
So in my cabin with my livestock and lobster grazing the land outside, I will also require human companionship. No man or woman is an island, also I cannot cook. So I will be inviting someone who can make deep fried spring rolls on a woodstove. Also, I will require the assistance of a handy-person because if the toilet ever clogs up, I don’t think that staring at it with distain for the rest of my life will help very much. I also want to invite a drama queen who will just keep everyone on their toes by making up problems. Disliking this person will distract all cabin-dwellers from the direness of the situation. This person should also know how to play guitar so that I can dislike them even more. Also, the little tribe will require a tough person to challenge undesirables and bears. Ideally I would want to play this role but I am not tough. My whole life I’ve been intending to become a ninja but I’ve never actually followed through. I wake up every morning, slightly sad that I haven’t learned how to run across roofs or decapitate people. I don’t know, maybe next year? Also, in the manner of Farenheit 451, we should have someone around who has memorized the western classics and who, in a pinch, can recite the Iliad and send us into a coma-like sleep.
Also, obviously in terms, we will need a barista with a shitload of guns.
Now remember, this is MY post-apocalypse hideout. You will need to tailor yours to your particular wants and needs. Because as everyone knows, the best post-apocalypse survival camp doesn’t feel like a last resort; instead it should feel like a semi permanent home, like a weekend on the rez or a really good holiday inn.