The Dashing Chronicles: Dirk Nation's Annual Christmas Wish List For Guys
- Winston McLean | December 14, 2013
It's that time of year again when the women in our lives turn their thoughts to rewarding their man with a gift from Santa. Sadly, our women sometimes miss their mark, and we men are left to shed a manly tear in the shed wondering where we went wrong.
Have no fear ladies, for you are holding your salvation in your hands... unless you are reading this on-line, in which case your salvation is in your hand...
Um, anyway, to help you hit the mark out I canvassed the large members of Dirk Nation for their Christmas wish lists. What I lay before you is what is fit for print in a family-friendly newspaper.
10. Schnasty Jim of Saskatoon wants clothes that, when he puts them on, will make him look and feel pretty, but like a man.
9. The Dream Maker from Deschambault Lake wants to be able to watch the World Junior Hockey Tournament in peace without the "to-do" list being waved in his face. And no guilt trip. Definitely no guilt trip.
8. The next three wishes come from Ahll-Be-Baaack Royce from Carry the Kettle who wants a butterfly knife hair comb for starters.
7. He also wants a dozen imported wobbly pops.
6. Finally, Ahll-Be-Back wants pickle smelling body wash. He's an odd one, and I hesitated putting that out there in case that stuff exists.
5. The Bird Man from Mistawasis has a strange request. He's looking for a reversable rainbow big boy full body thermal underwear with the extra wide trap-door flap. Makes the ladies swoon, he says.
4. The Answer from Saskatoon was thinking about a hall pass for two nights in Vegas, or a snazzy pair of gloves.
3. Rockstar One from the Peter Chapman Band says his girlfriend nailed it last Christmas eve. Upon returning from an errand there she was...seductively sprawled out on a blanket on the floor, wearing a skimpy Santa suit negligee, a glass of wine in each hand, the TV tuned to the channel with the Christmas log, Wal-Mart blanket spread on the floor, and Billy Idol playing in the background.
2. Once again, most of the guys wanted a man-cave. The ideal set-up? A large recliner with a beer cup holder. Universal remote. Posters of his favourite action movies. And a high definition surround sound speaker system and up-converting 3D Blu-ray player to go with the number one requested item on our gift lists...
1. A 60+ inch 3D LED TV that features up-conversion from 2D, a contrast ratio of over 1 million and a refresh rate of at least 240Hz. HDCP support would be ideal, and if you want to ace this gift make sure it is a smart TV with built-in web browser and apps for streaming services. Multiple Input / Output ports are important so we can plug in our Blu-ray player, gaming consoles and home theatre equipment.
The fellas asked me to print these specifications because, and I quote, "I love her but she's as daft as a guppy on steroids when it comes to electronics."
The Dirk Nation's Annual Christmas Wish List For Guys would not be complete without the items we dread the most. When we get any of these we cannot help but think, "I love you but you're as daft as a guppy on steroids when it comes to buying me gifts."
Avoid these:
10. A framed picture of you. Unless, of course, it's one of those almost naked photos where you're tastefully half-clothed and posed in an inviting manner. Then hell, yeah. Giddy up.
9. A framed life-sized picture of your mom for the living room. Unless your mom is Shania Twain. Then again, that would be weird. Or should be. I don't know. It's Shania Twain.
8. A Furby. Creepy.
7. Nothing purple.
6. A vacuum cleaner.
5. Purple vacuum cleaner.
4. Artwork.
3. A sweater using every freakin' colour in the rainbow, including purple.
2. Anything that takes over an hour to assemble.
1. What the Bird Man from Mistawasis wants.
Dirk says, What's the difference between a Snow Man and a Snow Woman? Snowballs.